When Everything Is Right But You're Just Feeling Left

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Written from the surf shores of India, after volunteering and traveling for months — this letter captures the subtle ache of sadness even when everything externally seems perfect. It whispers about the sacred surrender to 'what is.'

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I hate writing posts.

This is a continuation of my rant on the new way of deceiving the self.

Well, this one is about the wrong side of right and the dark side of light and everything in between.

Currently, I’m volunteering in India in a heavenly place MANTRA SURF ASHRAM prior to that I’ve just finished my 200H yoga teacher training.

[Let us not talk about that for now nor about how I got to India. Leave it to next posts if they ever come to life.]

The Here & Now

Here I wake up at 5:30 am with no alarm Here I do yoga until sunrise Here I met lovely people Here I served and met different nationalities Here I get to surf, kayak, jet ski, cycle around town Here I learned and I’m learning how amazing volunteering is Here I never cared how tired I am Here I watch beautiful sunsets every day and I count the stars in the dark Here I have moments and glimpses of peace and serenity each now and then

The Yet

Yet... I have my moments of sadness, melancholy, anxiety, and some occasional tears, and you may think I’m crazy because obviously I’m “living the dream”.

Yet I’ve had days when I didn’t even want to go surf but I did anyway as a part of self-deceiving.

Yet when my friends on the other side of the globe are going to their boring office work, I’m watching a breathtaking sunset sometimes with no smile on my face.

Yet... I couldn’t understand what went wrong.

Yet... I couldn't figure why sometimes everything is perfect yet we can’t get aligned with “perfect”.

I haven’t resolved it Yet but the good part is I’m learning that we can be in the most mesmerizing place in the world and not feel OK — and that’s totally fine.

[Learning not knowing because I’ve read this idea in different places and to be honest I used to believe that theory and the real deal are 90% similar but it’s totally the other way around.]

As Eckhart Tolle put it in his book The Power of Now:

Don’t let the mind use the pain to create a victim identity for yourself out of it. Feeling sorry for yourself and telling others your story will keep you stuck in suffering. Since it is impossible to get away from the feeling, the only possibility of change is to move into it; otherwise, nothing will shift. So give your complete attention to what you feel, and refrain from mentally labeling it. As you go into the feeling, be intensely alert...

We have different embodiments, and our mind craves the one of pain and misery.

Because part of us tends to like being miserable, in trouble, and in pain so we keep on reminding ourselves how bad we’re feeling, how in pain we are — and we cling to that.

Nobody’s talking about how happy they are. We only like reciting our miseries and troubles and that will only lead to more of that.

But as usual, this may be Bullshit — and we can never get someone into the light if they are genuinely seeking darkness.

The other thing is it’s Sunday here — and no matter where you are in the world, the moment you notice it’s Sunday it starts getting shitty.

So now I’m writing and I’ve read, done yoga, went surfing, drank tea 3 times, took my nap, cooked, played games, ate too much, did some freelance work... and the YET is not leaving me.

In another perspective, when you see all those things I’ve achieved today I’d be so proud of me and positive energy will flow out of me — but it’s not.

It is such a scary thing to feel you’ve hit your bottom and that there’s no place left to dig more. Emptiness induces emptiness.

Sometimes shit just happens. So just chill the fuck out and accept it.

Surrender to what is. [Full stop]

I’m wondering which of the 13 is this but I think it’s a layer that exists in all of them. You cannot be a character of just sadness, anxiety, or pure melancholy.

In the end, maybe it doesn’t even matter.